What Now??? 💔

Much like this picture (above), I’m about to be naked. I’m finding a lot of “peace and unapologetic-ness 👅” these days in writing and sharing my thoughts with you (scary thing this) – but the fact is it has brought a lot of healing and has helped me get some things off my chest 🚬. When I first wrote this, the title was going to be “Good Lawd! Did I Almost Settle?” 👀 … if you are asking why, I honestly wanted to come across as a badass 👾. I wanted to disguise my hurt and disappointment as a “good riddance I dodged the bullet” post where my defence mechanism takes over and I get to ramble on about how 💪 I am, how much better off I am without a man (and him), post endless self-love quotes but deep down ne ke le bohloko (probably still am). Because once again, I have a failed relationship on my list of achievements. I should be used to getting my heart broken by now right? 🙇 (since it’s happening for the ummmmth time). But yet again I get another lesson in “DO NOT make your own assumptions and expectations about someone just because le mmoho”.

I’ve known this guy (anon 😶) for years and from then until the day we stopped talking this year we’ve been: strangers, school mates, friends, bf and gf, exes who’ve broken up & gotten back together too many times (lol it’s my thing – I have accepted it 😂), people who have met each others important people, lovers who’ve said and done hurtful things to each other (mostly me) and “friends” – he has seen me at my worst self (Modimo, why did I have to cela that much that day doe 😢 ???).

After all that, after all those years, there was still a lot of unfinished business between us 🙀. This time I thought it was really going to be different (hahaha 😒). Serious guys 😞. As clique as I may sound right now I was about to “skinny dip” in and never turn back. I had no doubt in my mind that he loved me – ne ke le super sure – plus he has professed some pretty serious ish to me 😰. I was not about to let that fish slip away! Hell naw!

Things were naarce and all (watseba honeymoon phase e jwang akere 😜) and a few months in after struggling to get reciprocation from him, he couldn’t give me a straight answer as to what I really ment to him (I was straight up confused ka what was going on and out of the blue ha ke sa thola attention – I panic if I don’t get attention yo). Yep. All I got was “why o botsa nou” 😲😱😲 (at that moment, I knew things were f’d up. I shined bright like a diamond and lost my shit). The chesties 😢😢😢! That could only mean 1 or all 3 things 🔎: one – I had an imaginary man (💩), two – he’s had different intentions all along and nou o shapo because honestly I was just a distraction (now he’s putting all his focus on work, extra mural activities and the girlfriend he “forgot” to mention all this time – lawd 😵😵😵😵😵😵😵😵😵😵), and three – he genuinely didn’t know what I was/ment to him – na le confused 😒. Hmmm…

We’ve talked to each other like twice since then – after our awkward convo and recently… a month later 👀. It’s funny how one minute you’re on cloud 10 le motho and on -10 the next 🙇. Like you’re just strangers fela or back to being “friends”. Le ha ke le a conditional sucker for love I would rather die then pick up my phone and tell him I miss him because being a Sotho/Zulu hybrid that I am, my mad pride did not allow me 🏃. Plus I know better than ho latella motho (I can be that girl but I’ll pass 🛀). I’ve cried about it, had a few conversations with myself and friends about it (because music & wine make the world better 😍), pretended him and I were just cool to some 😶, and I’ve even blocked his entire exist 👀 – lol ku rough and bophelo ke semphekgo okay ⛔.

*cues in #lemonade 🍋 (yes I went there because it played a huge role in me dealing with this 🙌💃😝)* “So what are you gonna say at my funeral now that you’ve killed me? Here lies the body of the love of my life, whose heart I broke without a gun to my head. Here lies the mother of my children both living and dead, Rest in peace my true love, who I took for granted, most bomb pussy, who because of me, sleep evaded. Her shroud is loneliness, her God is listening. Her heaven would be a love without betrayal. Ashes to ashes, dust to side chicks.” *as I pour cheap wine 🍷 all over the imaginary “love grave”, rocking my beige trench coat, head wrap and Ray-Ban sunnies like a 👑*. All will be okay🚶.

I’ve buried all that and hoping to seal that hole ka cement aka closure. Till then, I’m back to being thaaat single woman – back to “you’ll find the right man soon”, “o so jola”, “why o sa jole”, “are you lesbian”, “you’re too picky”, “your standards are too high”, “men are useless”, “just play the field”, “motho o nkuwa mothong”, “don’t catch feelings”, “tell him how you feel”, “you deserve better”, “ho tla loka my friend”, “men are satan’s toenails”, “you’ll find the right man soon” 🔁… bruh ✈!

Don’t get it twisted I still believe in love, haholo ene. And nako e tla fihla for that again for that 💏.